I suffered severely from anxiety and depression for more than 30
years. It got worse during high school, and even worse later on, as if
it were deliberately trying to make my life as miserable as possible.
This is my story of great emotional pain, long years of isolation,
misery and utter hopelessness and how I gradually found my way out of
this dismal tunnel of despair and into the light of wisdom, joy and
great relief.
Along with all the problems one usually gets when
growing up, the symptoms of panic disorder and not at first knowing what
they were, devastated my days at school and ruined my concentration
with schoolwork. I would come home completely exhausted, frustrated and
unable to concentrate on anything, especially homework. I had a very
limited social life and no girlfriends. I suffered for what seemed like
an eternity from social anxiety, loneliness, severe acne, mysterious
weight loss, and crippling depression. I had an extreme dislike of most
kinds of team sports and had a really hard time trying to fit in
anywhere. From grade school to high school, I suffered much hazing from
others and much rejection and "unrequited love" from members of the
opposite sex I felt attracted to, resulting in a vicious cycle of
continued social anxiety, resentment of other's popularity and success,
and my overwhelming sense of rejection, isolation and alienation.
The
suffering continued through college (where I studied nutrition,
psychology, astronomy and especially art) and into my work years. I
could only find jobs that were simple and stress free such as gardening,
painting and handyman type projects. I finally had a job taking care of
an office building with a garden and fountain that required much
continuous maintenance and support. I am still working there today.
Throughout
the '70s, '80s and '90s, I tried in vain to find the cause of my
suffering through religions, doctors, psychiatrists, etc. only to be
severely disappointed by their "its all in your head" diagnosis! It
seemed FAR worse than just "anxiety neurosis" or the later diagnosis of
"anxiety disorder"! I couldn't believe it. I thought I either had to
have heart disease, kidney failure, cancer, strokes, tumors, diabetes,
lead poisoning, mercury, DDT, or any combination of the above! You name
it, It felt like I had it! But, over and over all my tests revealed
nothing substantial or really significant, no toxins, no poisons,
nothing that made sense or was helpful.
I tried counseling,
Christianity, Christian and Religious science, eastern religions,
meditation, yoga, and positive thinking for many years, but still my
problems only got worse. I started feeling more and more like a nutcase
and a good candidate for insanity as more and more of my family and
friends gave me the "its all in your head so snap out of it"
insult-to-injury "treatment." Nearly all of my acquaintances had no
understanding or sympathy for my chronic problems so they left me alone.
I spent most of my time very much alone and isolated. Being with people
scared me so much I often had to run to an isolated, quiet room or area
where no people were around. I could not fill out any forms or sign my
name on my check or credit card receipt in public because I would shake
too much. Some of my signatures looked absolutely bizarre and any forms
filled out illegible. I went through hell just trying to fill out a
simple job application.
Conversations would end abruptly because I
kept losing track of what I was going to say next and would have
trouble remembering what the other person said. I would have to stop in
mid sentence, because I could not complete it, resulting in incredible
embarrassment, another anxiety attack, and feeling like an idiot. This
mental block would nearly always happen at the worst possible or
critical moment such as when having to explain a very serious problem,
during an emergency confrontation, or speaking in front of a group of
people, resulting in an incredibly severe fear of public speaking and
socializing of any kind. Whatever it was, when I needed it the most, I
would have it the least!
I also had many physical symptoms too
that drove me crazy. My heart kept skipping beats, and/or speeding up
and keeping awake all night (especially if on ANY sort of medication),
making me think I was having a heart attack. I would often have horrible
nightmares then wake up terrified in a cold sweat and total confusion. I
would not be able to sleep again until five in the morning. Then I
would have to sleep all day to compensate for the nightly insomnia and
to cope with the devastating stress, vertigo, and depression. I also
felt a great sense of unworthiness, tiredness and fatigue that drove me
nuts whenever I needed to get anything done. Expenses would accumulate,
and I could never get ahead financially, no matter how hard I fought the
overwhelming urge to sleep all the time, especially after eating.
Greatly misunderstood, I was considered by others as very lazy, under
the influence (even though I NEVER took anything), and a poor achiever
or so much "dead wood" as I was unable to support myself. Imagine all
this happening while growing up and trying to find my own place in the
world!!
After a few massive anxiety attacks In 1982, I became
almost permanently agoraphobic. In order to avoid terrible panic, I
always had to stay within my local neighborhood or within the city
limits. This problem was a disaster for dating, and so had to remain
lonely. As I grew older, I became more and more angry and cynical about
life. I would often get so frustrated that I would lose my temper and
break things. I must have thought of a hundred different ways to end my
life, so desperate was I to stop the severe emotional pain, but was too
afraid to try anything. My life felt like an internal concentration camp
or hell on earth. My severe weight loss trying to avoid foods I was
"allergic" too even made me look like a concentration camp victim.
Nothing I ate would put on weight anyway, it would just go right on
through, causing severe gas, bloating and diarrhea. Nothing in my life
went right, not even my digestion!!!
Throughout this time (early
80's to early 90's) I tried various medications such as imipramine,
xanax, tranxine, and buspar. They were expensive and only gave me very
disruptive and embarrassing side-effects with no benefits. In fact, It
seemed every medication I tried only made my symptoms (depression, panic
attacks, spaciness, memory lapses, vertigo, fatigue, and frightening
heart symptoms) much worse, especially the imipramine, which I had to
endure two separate trials for 6 weeks. I eventually became so
frustrated and upset with medications, I PERMANENTLY stopped taking
them, especially with having to wait for so many weeks for them to
"work" only to find they have the opposite effect! This is NOT to
discourage others who are trying medications, especially now that there
are so many more available that act faster and have fewer side-effects.
Forced
in my situation to try something different, I looked into such things
as diet, herbs, and alternative medicine. I tried experimenting with
diet for many years, but with only limited results that sometimes even
seemed to backfire like the drugs did. However, the results were enough
to convince me to look even further into the subject of nutritional
therapy and to verify if such a thing did in fact exist. By the late
80's I had finally developed an "Atkins" type diet high in raw
fruit/vegetable juices, cooked green vegetables, and complete proteins,
such as fish, chicken and organ meats plus many herbal and vitamin
supplements. This new diet actually seemed to keep my depression and
anxiety under a certain amount of (intermittent) control! As I continued
throughout the '90s to "tinker" around with my diet, because I knew
there had to be something to it, I found even more foods that helped and
was able to identify foods that did not. No longer was the notion that
one could treat emotional problems with just diet a hopeful fantasy! It
was real! This bit of encouragement spurred me on with even greater
thoroughness, fanaticism and great zeal.
As time went on, the
diets I found myself on where more and more vegetarian, with continuing
improvement, but there was still much room for more improvement. I
started drinking loads of water between meals instead of snacking, which
resulted in even more encouraging improvement. I realized snacking was
in itself a cause of many food sensitivities, dental problems, and bad
mental, emotional and physical reactions that would not otherwise take
place if all foods eaten in a day were grouped together in one
wholesome, complete meal, while the rest of the day is spent detoxifying
on drinking water.
In 1994, I wrote a book about an entire yogic
system and lifestyle that's supposed to lead to bliss, enlightenment and
wholeness. Naturally, I become extremely obsessed with my health and
what I ate and how I ate for many, many years to come. I would often
spend all day in libraries, behind books, etc. (and later the internet)
doing intense research on diet, nutrition, and neurochemistry. People
avoided me because diet was all I talked about and found it very
difficult to get away from the subject. Careful and limited,
scientifically guided eating was my saviour and only hope for existence
without fear and crippling depression.
At the end of April, in the
year 2000, I transitioned over to an "oval-vegetarian"100% raw food
diet (including raw eggs, bee pollen, nuts, seed and spiralina, fruits,
greens, vegetables, herbs, etc.) with even more improvement in my
overall health and mental well-being. I have ever since disliked the
practice of cooking (destroying) good food, and eating meat &
pasteurized/homogenized dairy products. I still felt anxious and
agoraphobic, but everything seemed easier to manage and had much better
luck with meditation and yoga. There is also a very significant
"spiritual awakening" side to my story, which can be found at the
beginning of my book now online.
In January of 2002, I decided to
start a website which would serve as an information and research center
to encourage the development and exchange of new ideas related to
overcoming all the frustrations, diseases and other hazards of our human
condition, and to overcoming all limitations and all forms of
suffering. I am interested in alternative, natural, effective, wholesome
ways to overcome anxiety, depression, the aging process and many other
diseases. I have dedicated my life to the elimination of fear,
depression, ignorance, suffering, loneliness, pollution, overpopulation,
etc. and to the study of certain controversial subjects such as: life
after death, astral projection, breatharianism and many more. I am
hoping it will be a "light house" to many in search of or in need of
help.
My next big breakthrough came in with the discovery of
negatively (charged) ionized (alkalized) "microwater" while searching on
the internet for a good substitute for a powerful, but expensive
antioxidant (Microhydrin) I was presently experimenting with. In the
beginning of May, in the year 2002, I set up a water ionizer next to my
kitchen sink and started drinking loads and loads of the most delicious
water I ever tasted in my life, thinking this was going to help stop the
aging process and help me feel a little better. It seemed to do
everything and more. I was fascinated in how this simple machine could
turn mere tap water into seemingly endless amounts of the most useful,
valuable, healing, powerful, free-radical deactivating and purifying
fluid I ever drank, actually replacing some of the food and antioxidants
I used to need and therefore reducing my weekly organic and health food
grocery bill by 50% or more. It enabled me to fast for even longer
periods between meals, giving me even greater health and freedom from
fear, depression and from not having to do all those tasks associated
with food and its preparation as often. It was no problem whatsoever
living on one meal a day, because with the ionized water, that was all I
needed. I no longer had any more digestive or "allergic" problems and I
gained some weight too for the first time in my life!
Most
importantly, negatively ionized water has actually reduced my anxiety,
fatigue and depression quite significantly, to the point I no longer
even feel it! There is a scientific explanation for this: when filtered
water is charged with the negative side of a platinum-coated electrode
(cathode) its pH (power of hydrogen) is increased usually from around a
pH of 6.5 up to 9 or 10. Being "microwater" or water that clumps
together in units of 5 molecules each instead of the usual 12 or so
water molecules per cluster (as with regular non-ionized water) it can
hydrate living tissue much more thoroughly, and dissolve and transport
nutrients much more efficiently than any other form of water. It easily
crosses the blood-brain barrier and acts as a buffer for metabolic
by-products such as lactic acid which has been scientifically proven to
be the most likely cause of common anxiety disorders. In other words, my
brain was too acidic, and at first, the alkalinity naturally present in
most raw foods helped to neutralize some of this acidity, creating some
improvement. But this very alkaline, negatively ionized water, has
really helped. The ionized water combined with my 100% super-food diet,
special adaptogenic herbs, antioxidants, pure moral lifestyle, etc. all
work together to turn my depression and anxiety into just pure bliss!
All the physical symptoms, such as rapid and skipping heartbeats, etc. I
used to have, have completely disappeared.
The only draw-back was
having to drink massive amounts of it every day and there were still
other aspects of my health and anxiety that kept coming back to haunt
me. As wonderful as ionized water is and in spite of the the fact I
continue to this day to use ionized water and never intend to stop using
it, there was still something more to be desired. In the past when it
seemed to not work as well as it should, I would either put two ionizers
together and double the amount of ionization and/or add a special
powder with may in fact be the most powerful antioxidant ever invented,
and sure enough, I would find it very satisfying. However, the first
idea proved to be somewhat awkward putting two units in line with one
another because the amount of water pressure needed to run the second
unit was often higher than can be provided by the first, and the amounts
of that special powder needed, at roughly $200 for 4 oz., was too hard
to maintain financially.
All this research finally lead me to
another great breakthrough in more fully understanding my condition and
more direct treatments in 2008: The deep significance of alkalinity,
that I realized that everything all along was trying to lead to more and
more raw, alkaline-forming diet, antioxidants, stress reducing herbs,
algae, and minerals. Apart from having to find treatment for other
life-long complications such as pyroluria and adrenal exhaustion I found
the main underlying condition of all my nervousness had to be
oversensitivity to acidic dietary and metabolic waste which all the
antioxidants, ionized water and raw, alkaline forming foods I was
benefiting from all along was neutralizing and alleviating. All this
knowledge and other research lead me to the conclusion that why not add
vast amounts more alkaline-forming minerals such as the very inexpensive
dolomite to my ionized water and coral calcium to my raw food diet
that's already part of my daily regimen? I tried this and found even
more astounding results: for instance, the dolomite mixed in with my
ionized water seemed to double, triple, even quadruple its beneficent
effects exactly as if I had not only run tap water through two ionizers,
but also just as if I had added the same amount of dolomite as
Microhydrin, however dolomite, a very inexpensive, widely available,
pure white mineral powder, is many, many times less expensive and
provided much needed calcium and magnesium in the right proportions
which are two of the same alkalizing electrolytes present in ionized
water! The other three electrolytes are potassium, sodium, and chlorine.
I will now be adding some potassium to this mixture along with a pinch
of sea salt to complete the electrolyte balance and see if any more
improvements take place.
Everyone's situation is unique, so I
can't guarantee the same improvements I enjoy from a 100% super-food
diet, herbs, supplements, alkaline minerals, and antioxidant water, etc.
Also, my story and physiological explanations for my recovery are much
more complicated than what I can write down within the limited space I
am allowed here. What I know for sure, however, is it is possible to
benefit tremendously from ionized water, super-food diets, and uncooked,
mainly alkaline-forming, whole vegetarian food with an adequate source
of complete protein. I have found in my experience, correct nutritional
therapy is essential to healing regardless of what condition one may be
suffering from.
Please go here:
Natural Anxiety Remedies for the complete website on anxiety and depression.
Russell
Symonds (Shaktivirya) has dedicated his life to finding wholeness and
is living the "wholeness" lifestyle. His website, Science of Wholeness
is a spiritual and nutritional information and research center dedicated
to helping you find your keys to wholeness (everlasting joy, love,
bliss, rejuvenation, and much, much more). Wholeness can be many things
and his website not only discusses all the different aspects of
wholeness but also all the different ways toward wholeness. There is no
greater thing of beauty, value and joy as wholeness!
The rest of his original articles and his free online book, Science of Wholeness I & II can be found here
Science of Wholeness Site Map.
