I can remember it beginning. Just one of those days, like I had
before. I wake up tired after a sleepless night. My mind exhausted from
thinking, and over-thinking. My body aching to lie in bed and actually
sleep. But I can't rest... work beckons. Ugh... work. I go through my
usual routine which I have for the past twelve and a half years,
dreaming of the things I want in life, yet feel so handcuffed to meet.
I
dive to the Portland's part of town. Nothing but junkyards, recycling,
and of course the film industry. "It's all smoke and mirrors!", someone
told me during my first week. I've come to realize the smoke show never
ends. Every time you walk into the building I can feel my life being
sucked from me. Your old supervisor looks at you with a face the
literally tells you to screw yourself. Nice way to start the day. Now
that I think of it, it's how I've been started my day for years.
Punch
clock, coffee, work boots. My usual routine. A few pleasantries, and
some witty sarcastic banter, and I retreat into my electronics shop,
where my co-worker and I can spend a day, barely talking to each other.
Which is one of the few things I've learned to enjoy. He's great guy,
but both enjoy our solitude. Like many people I, "fell into" my job.
It's not my passion. It offers no advancement, so there is no reason to
have ambition. For years I've wondered why I am still here. So have some
others at work. At the company Christmas party the President, CEO,
general manager, and my ex-supervisor all asked me the same question,
"What are you still doing here?!"
Good question. I've tried to
figure it out myself. I didn't even notice the decent into the abyss.
The void of stagnant and insidious thoughts that paralyzed me and raped
me of my confidence. I never finished high school. I never finished
college... twice! What am I going to do? With a child to
support, and daily costs skyrocketing, I just can't up and leave, can I?
So I sit in my little electronics shop that feels like a self-imposed
prison. Many employees mention how lucky I am to work where I am... if
they only knew what it feels like to be locked up and forgotten.
I
wrote my first book. I finished it a year ago. It took another 8 months
to go through the editing process. It was ready last July, it still
isn't published. Where am I going to get the money to self publish when I
am sometimes left with $100 to last me for 2 weeks? That's another
thing. I'm broke all the time. My girlfriend's fed up that I'm broke all
the time. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have nothing, just
nothing for the extras... trips, dinners out, dancing. We all know what
women think of men like that.
It's not all bad. I did do something
significant last year that took many 6 years to accomplish. Something
that few men get to do. But during the year, I was hard to even enjoy
it, because for every 100 people who throw you support, there over 20
trying to sabotage you. And indeed, little by little they chip away
until you're sitting on top of a mountain you feel is crumbling and
going to devour you whole.
By the end, I was so exhausted.
Completely spent. Resentful, angry, and lost. I knew what I wanted to do
but didn't have the energy. I knew where I needed to be, but couldn't
find the way. Every night I came home from my boring day, I would stop
and buy cigarettes and a 6 pack of beer. Yes, I started smoking again.
First a couple. Now a whole damn pack. Just like the beer. I'd have one
or two to relax and take the edge off, then I'd buy a small bottle of
vodka to go along with it and quicken the effect. Till I was eventually
just buying a bottle of vodka and almost finishing it all in a night.
You don't even notice it going. A sip here, a sip there. In fact, no one
noticed either. I wouldn't drink around my son or my girlfriend. I
could go days without drinking, so I didn't really think I was in
trouble, although I knew I had a problem. The drinking stopped my
productivity. Stopped me from doing things I needed to do. When I got
home at night I didn't want to do anything. But drink.
Day after
day. Month after month. Each month I came home and wasted my night away
the angrier I got. Each week that passed the deeper I sank. Each month
that passed the larger the void of depression became. Until I finally
exploded. I've always had an anger problem. And it usually is taken out
on the ones I love. It created a wedge in my relationship where my
girlfriend couldn't deal with my anger and manipulation any longer.
Finally, on the edge of the cliff, I admitted to her what I was hiding
inside for so long. I was depressed. severely depressed.
I called
up my workplace assistance program the next evening to speak to a online
counselor. By the next Friday I sat in an office taking a depression
test. I scored 46. Severe depression was rated at 30. I was in deep. My
first session didn't have any epiphanies or anything. But laid some
groundwork, and homework. I didn't feel much when I left, but the next
day, something odd happened. I slept all the way through the night for
the first time in years. And I work up, feeling not great, but better.
Better knowing that I am finally doing something about my depression.
It's amazing what taking that first step can do. I wonder why it had
taken me so long.
Words can't properly describe the emptiness one
feels when they are depressed. The sense of being paralyzed with fear,
and the sense of your sinking self worth. Everyone around you may never
even notice. Most truthfully won't even care., or at least it feels like
it. Like we're all in this alone, and the ones you need to talk to
drain you with their problems, their issues, and their needs. While
we're screaming for someone to just listen. Just shut up and listen.
When you're already drained, it can sap the last ounce of life you have
right out of you. But you remain silent because your problems can't be
more important than theirs. Besides... they need you. My retreat... the
bottle.
Seeking a counselor can helped megain perspective and
insight into why I was feeling the way I was, and how to identify the
triggers, that keep me from living the life I want. If you're in doubt,
you don't need to speak to your friends if you're embarrassed, just make
sure you pick up the phone, or find an online service where you can get
the help you need.
When all seems lost, it's time to do something
you've never done to have the life you've never had. I know, that's
what I've had to do.
Elliot Zovighian is a life coach, speaker, author, blogger is the
owner of EZ Lifestyles, a life coaching company from Toronto, Canada.
His daily blog offers articles and advice on such subjects as life
skills, work and career, relationships, parenting, featured videos and
more.
http://www.ezlifestyles.ca
I can remember it beginning. Just one of those days, like I had
before. I wake up tired after a sleepless night. My mind exhausted from
thinking, and over-thinking. My body aching to lie in bed and actually
sleep. But I can't rest... work beckons. Ugh... work. I go through my
usual routine which I have for the past twelve and a half years,
dreaming of the things I want in life, yet feel so handcuffed to meet.
I
dive to the Portland's part of town. Nothing but junkyards, recycling,
and of course the film industry. "It's all smoke and mirrors!", someone
told me during my first week. I've come to realize the smoke show never
ends. Every time you walk into the building I can feel my life being
sucked from me. Your old supervisor looks at you with a face the
literally tells you to screw yourself. Nice way to start the day. Now
that I think of it, it's how I've been started my day for years.
Punch
clock, coffee, work boots. My usual routine. A few pleasantries, and
some witty sarcastic banter, and I retreat into my electronics shop,
where my co-worker and I can spend a day, barely talking to each other.
Which is one of the few things I've learned to enjoy. He's great guy,
but both enjoy our solitude. Like many people I, "fell into" my job.
It's not my passion. It offers no advancement, so there is no reason to
have ambition. For years I've wondered why I am still here. So have some
others at work. At the company Christmas party the President, CEO,
general manager, and my ex-supervisor all asked me the same question,
"What are you still doing here?!"
Good question. I've tried to
figure it out myself. I didn't even notice the decent into the abyss.
The void of stagnant and insidious thoughts that paralyzed me and raped
me of my confidence. I never finished high school. I never finished
college... twice! What am I going to do? With a child to
support, and daily costs skyrocketing, I just can't up and leave, can I?
So I sit in my little electronics shop that feels like a self-imposed
prison. Many employees mention how lucky I am to work where I am... if
they only knew what it feels like to be locked up and forgotten.
I
wrote my first book. I finished it a year ago. It took another 8 months
to go through the editing process. It was ready last July, it still
isn't published. Where am I going to get the money to self publish when I
am sometimes left with $100 to last me for 2 weeks? That's another
thing. I'm broke all the time. My girlfriend's fed up that I'm broke all
the time. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have nothing, just
nothing for the extras... trips, dinners out, dancing. We all know what
women think of men like that.
It's not all bad. I did do something
significant last year that took many 6 years to accomplish. Something
that few men get to do. But during the year, I was hard to even enjoy
it, because for every 100 people who throw you support, there over 20
trying to sabotage you. And indeed, little by little they chip away
until you're sitting on top of a mountain you feel is crumbling and
going to devour you whole.
By the end, I was so exhausted.
Completely spent. Resentful, angry, and lost. I knew what I wanted to do
but didn't have the energy. I knew where I needed to be, but couldn't
find the way. Every night I came home from my boring day, I would stop
and buy cigarettes and a 6 pack of beer. Yes, I started smoking again.
First a couple. Now a whole damn pack. Just like the beer. I'd have one
or two to relax and take the edge off, then I'd buy a small bottle of
vodka to go along with it and quicken the effect. Till I was eventually
just buying a bottle of vodka and almost finishing it all in a night.
You don't even notice it going. A sip here, a sip there. In fact, no one
noticed either. I wouldn't drink around my son or my girlfriend. I
could go days without drinking, so I didn't really think I was in
trouble, although I knew I had a problem. The drinking stopped my
productivity. Stopped me from doing things I needed to do. When I got
home at night I didn't want to do anything. But drink.
Day after
day. Month after month. Each month I came home and wasted my night away
the angrier I got. Each week that passed the deeper I sank. Each month
that passed the larger the void of depression became. Until I finally
exploded. I've always had an anger problem. And it usually is taken out
on the ones I love. It created a wedge in my relationship where my
girlfriend couldn't deal with my anger and manipulation any longer.
Finally, on the edge of the cliff, I admitted to her what I was hiding
inside for so long. I was depressed. severely depressed.
I called
up my workplace assistance program the next evening to speak to a online
counselor. By the next Friday I sat in an office taking a depression
test. I scored 46. Severe depression was rated at 30. I was in deep. My
first session didn't have any epiphanies or anything. But laid some
groundwork, and homework. I didn't feel much when I left, but the next
day, something odd happened. I slept all the way through the night for
the first time in years. And I work up, feeling not great, but better.
Better knowing that I am finally doing something about my depression.
It's amazing what taking that first step can do. I wonder why it had
taken me so long.
Words can't properly describe the emptiness one
feels when they are depressed. The sense of being paralyzed with fear,
and the sense of your sinking self worth. Everyone around you may never
even notice. Most truthfully won't even care., or at least it feels like
it. Like we're all in this alone, and the ones you need to talk to
drain you with their problems, their issues, and their needs. While
we're screaming for someone to just listen. Just shut up and listen.
When you're already drained, it can sap the last ounce of life you have
right out of you. But you remain silent because your problems can't be
more important than theirs. Besides... they need you. My retreat... the
bottle.
Seeking a counselor can helped megain perspective and
insight into why I was feeling the way I was, and how to identify the
triggers, that keep me from living the life I want. If you're in doubt,
you don't need to speak to your friends if you're embarrassed, just make
sure you pick up the phone, or find an online service where you can get
the help you need.
When all seems lost, it's time to do something
you've never done to have the life you've never had. I know, that's
what I've had to do.
Elliot Zovighian is a life coach, speaker, author, blogger is the
owner of EZ Lifestyles, a life coaching company from Toronto, Canada.
His daily blog offers articles and advice on such subjects as life
skills, work and career, relationships, parenting, featured videos and
more.
http://www.ezlifestyles.ca